Sinister Psychiatry

There are these "lunch and learn" things once a week where I'm doing my practicum. They're usually on a day when I'm not there, but they had one yesterday. The woman I'm working with asked me if I'd like free lunch and told me to show up at her office at noon.

Normally, it's sinister enough: pharmaceutical companies peddling their latest concoction, trying to convince you to pressure your clients into taking whatever they've cooked up now.

But this was worse.

I followed a cattle line of therapists into the training room and signed in, deciding that my title is "Student Intern." (No-one has actually said that, but I have to sign everything with "M.A., Student Intern," so I figured it was a safe bet.) I loaded up a plate of MSG-laden Chinese food and began the usual "Excuse me, does the eggroll have chicken in it?" line of questioning. An overly friendly man scuttled about. He spoke too loud and pretended to know all of us, patting us on the backs and asking "HOW'S IT GOING?!?" He, of course, was the representative there to woo us.

I sat down and started to eat, expecting to encounter the typical "SSRI this, MAOI that." No. The man begins by pulling out a little plastic thing the size and shape of a cookie. He explains that we are going to be learning about "a new and wonderful piece of technology." (I'd give the name, but I don't know if I'm allowed...) Anyhow, this is a thing that they implant in your chest. A wire runs up to your brain and "gently innervates" your limbic system. It's "kind of like electroconvulsive therapy" but it's better because "it doesn't wear off!" It's wonderful for those "chronic, hopeless, depressives!"

Basically, you go to a neurosurgeon and he implants these electrodes in your brain and attaches them to the cookie-like control center which he implants in your chest. Then, your psychiatrist can program it to zap you according to his specifications. Apparently, this is one of the main attractions: "No more worrying about non-compliant patients! Just program them from your office, and they're set to go!" In other words, if you try to bail out of treatment, they'll just keep right on zapping you. How wonderful.

There are very few "troublesome" side effects. The most frequent is sounding like Darth Vader. I'm serious. There is a current of electricity running up your neck and into your brain. When it's stimulating you (and the standard is 30 seconds on, 5 minutes off) you sound as though you're speaking through a fan. He then put his hand over his mouth and mumbled something that sounded like "parasthenia."

I was curious as to how my trainers would feel about this magnificent new technology. At one point, the presenter was rattling on about how it doesn't matter if patients are compliant because the psychiatrist controls the machine. The man next to me leaned over and whispered: "But who controls the psychiatrist?"

I had class again last night which went well...I finished up teaching sensation and perception this morning and moved on to behaviorism. We are now firmly into the part of the course where I have tricks up my sleeve. My favorite behaviorism trick is bringing in my friend's 120 lb dog and having my students teach her a trick while explaining the principles of behaviorism that they're using. (yes, I've pre-screened for doggie phobias and allergies.)

This afternoon I'm teaching an upper-level course...covering Descartes and Galton and blah blah...It'll go alright, I think...and then I have a meeting for my independent study and then a client and then a meeting and AHHH!!!

Must go conserve energy....