Reflections...

On break, I realize how frigging tired I am all of the time. I did very little this break -- I saw my clients, I worked at the hospital, and I read some. I did not write any papers, although I did write an exam for my undergrads. I did sleep a lot. I have not cleaned the apartment, although my husband and I Fully Intend to do that this weekend.

But, hey.

Whenever I go to blog, I realize how much of what's going on I censor from the blog. A lot of my frustration (this morning, anyhow!), anxiety, and even sadness comes from clinical work in some way. And no matter how thoroughly I disguise it, it's just not ethical to blog about it. So then I sit here staring at the keyboard and type something really trite.

I have an interview at the VA this afternoon. I hate interviewing, even though this is fairly low stress. (People aren't all that mean when you're essentially free labor.)

A shout-out to my cousin who is being actively wooed by NU as we speak. My husband and I talked about it wistfully over dinner last night. We're really excited for her, and just a touch irritated with our own programs ;).

I have started to identify with my captors. In the car last week, my husband told me that my program exploits us. And I actually got defensive! He calmly reminded me of the definition of exploitation, and I quickly passed the buck:

"well, yeah, okay, so we do some unpaid work. Well, yeah, okay, a whole lot of unpaid work. Well, and sometimes other people get paid because of the work we do. That's true. But it's because of the system of training, really! It's not their fault!"

In some ways, that's true. It's not my program's fault that my practicum doesn't pay me. And they do give me a stipend. And we do so many clinical hours because we need them to land internships. Our stipends are for teaching, so I can't really call that unpaid labor.

On the other hand, our stipends are low for the field. And our healthcare sucks. (Exhibit A: A doctor I see told me that the insurance company called HER to tell HER that they are raising my copay. She mercifully took "you're a poor student" pity on me and is taking the hit herself. But my point is that the insurance people just randomly change our -- already crappy -- plan.)

Again, though, that's not really the fault of the program itself...

Or I'm identifying with the aggressor. Not sure.