Vanishing act.

I'm halfway through Spring Break, and updating has become pathetically sparse.

I've noticed that I'm becoming increasingly neurotic. Exhibit A:
I gave a presentation in a class on Friday. I thought I did alright...some of my interpretation was off, but it seemed as though that didn't happen to me more than it did to anyone else. The next morning, I received an e-mail from the professor saying "nice job." Now, there are a few ways to take this. 1) He thinks I did a nice job. 2) He probably sends a similar e-mail to everyone after their presentation because he's so supportive.

No, I don't take up either of these interpretations. Instead, I end up thinking:
"Oh no! I must have seemed nervous so he thought that he should console me and tell me that I did alright!" and "I bet he thinks that I'm really insecure!"

Now, I haven't always been this neurotic. I used to study under street lights and things...but I used to be able to take a compliment as a compliment!

Sometimes I think that the faculty itself inspires paranoia -- that they never tell us that they're angry unless there is some cryptic e-mail addressed to the doctoral students at large. (For example, the person who was drinking 3 gallons of water a day was never directly approached, but we all got an e-mail about the level of water consumption in the Clinic.)

So, no matter what faculty response I get, I end up feeling vaguely anxious. (Is that positive review because they think I lack the ego strength to handle criticism?)

Another recent example of my paranoia and neurosis (Exhibit B): I asked my comps director if he had read my proposal. He replied: "Oh. Hasn't (other professor) talked to you?" Well, yeah, the other professor (one of my readers) told me that he approved the proposal. So, again, logically I should take this to mean something along the lines of: "I haven't read it yet, but I will. I do, however, hear that it's not horrendous." Instead, I start panicking and wonder what they said about my proposal behind closed doors.

Again, I wasn't always like this!

Maybe it's just because I'm to a point in the program where I believe I could screw everything up and not graduate. Until now, all I had to do was not completely crash in my coursework, and keep the clinical committee from thinking that I'm incompetent. Not hard.

Now, I have to pass comps and write a passing dissertation proposal and interview for internships, and ACK!!!!!!