Exhaustion...

Well, I survived the first week back. I feel completley uninspired today. I've read some Lacan and some Heidegger, talked to my parents on the phone, talked to a friend, bought a desk chair, and a pair of boots.

Tonight I'll babysit.

I was a total mess by the time I met up with my husband after class yesterday. I got into the car and began babbling incoherently...the sum of it was that I was starving, burnt out, and exhausted. We went out for dinner, rented a movie, and I curled up on the couch crying. I know I can get through the semester -- I always do! -- but I feel this bone-deep exhaustion and dread that I feel sucking me into the couch...

It's more than just exhaustion...it's the feeling I get when I am sick of doing this bullshit program while living in this bullshit country. It's the times when I wonder why the hell I'm fighting so hard when it doesn't seem to do any good. It's when I feel old, jaded, and bitter.

Heh...I've themed my graduate school project "Fighting for Subjectivity." This week was particularly depressing for me. I feel hopeless, when I look around at the generation of shrinks that I'm in training with and realize that nothing will be different. And then I want to crawl into bed and sleep for years, because I don't want to face the world.