This week

First of all, I am trying to stay away from everyone today until my doctor's appointment at 2pm. One of my students notified me that she has exposed me to staph and now I have a rash. Great. What makes it scary is that I worked at my practicum yesterday with immune comprised people...in other words, if I have staph, I'll be spending the afternoon on the phone with the health department...

Class went well this week...my friend's Newfoundland came to class on Wednesday and the class used behavioral principles to teach her a trick. And they talked about what therapy dogs do, etc. Today we watched clips of Nanny 911 and they had to design behavioral plans based on the family, which was actually fun.

I had a weird day yesterday...I woke up feeling ill, and took what I thought was tylenol cold and flu. I thought this, because it was in the Tylenol cold and flu BOX. I went to my practicum and started feeling weird as all hell. They actually let me go early, and when I got home, I was going to take more (it had been 6 hours.) At this point, I realized that the box of tylenol cold and flu was actually filled with Claritin-D. So, I had taken a total of 3 of those over the course of 24 hours. Yeah...

Another week...

This week flew by! I have a case presentation due tomorrow, so I'm working hard on that....I'm on page 15 (it's an oral presentation, but you read your stuff...).

I gave an exam on Friday, and I managed to explode a bottle of seltzer water over myself. So...the classroom is completely silent aside from pencils scratching, and then suddenly FOOOSSSSHHHHH!!!!!! I'm covered. They laughed heartily, and I told them to keep working on their exams, "I'll be sitting up here, looking dignified..." I like most of my students, except for one small group in the back corner....one of them sends me these sweet, soul-baring e-mails, but insists on being bratty in class. I guess that's part of being a teenager? The rest of them are consistently sweet, though.

Today, the Newfoundland came to class, and her owners talked about training her, etc. The class tried to teach her a trick (to lie on her side.) It went alright, but I thought it went better in the spring because it's really a small group activity and I had so few students in the spring...

I want to create a blooper reel of teaching...exploding seltzer, lost chalk, seminal vessicles, all that crap...

But yeah...I guess I should finish formulating this case or something....

*Sigh*

Still here...

I'm still up in the psych clinic, even though it's 9:30pm...I'm here checking my e-mail until 10:30, because I had not time during the day to do it, and I'm giving an exam tomorrow morning. Thus, all the students freak out and send panicked e-mails. I've been booked since early morning, so I haven't had time to respond until now. So here I go. I locked myself in up here, both so that the cops don't show up and so that no-one comes up the stairs and kills me...(not that I'm paranoid!)

There is a can of pears sitting no the table next to me. I want to eat them but I won't.

I'm feeling burnt out as all hell. I even considered sleeping in the Clinic, either in my class' office(where I'm behind a total of 3 locks and have a squishy couch that I've napped on in the past, and a fleece blanket...) or in a session room (where there are couches and I'm behind 2 locks.) I'd be able to do it, as long as I made sure they weren't doing a security check if I let myself out to pee. But it's too freaking depressing...I've only seen my husband in the car today, and he's meeting me here at 10:30, driving home, and then I'll crash because I have to be here at 7:30 tomorrow morning...

On top of that, the cat has a freaking bladder infection. Let's just say that we had to buy a tub of cat stain and odor remover and he's going to the vet tomorrow...poor little guy seems to be pretty miserable....

Tomorrow, I have 2 clients, I'm giving that exam, going to class, (with a break in the middle to run to the bank for money to pay the vet...) then my hubby is taking the cat to the vet while I babysit my classmate's little boy.

So....yup...the sleepiness!

Blast from the Past...

Wow. So, I had a meeting last night about helping with some research projects (concerning safety off campus...) The meeting was in the dorm I lived in my first two years of college...it felt SO strange to be in there. I hadn't realized how YELLOW the decor is. It looked smaller and cramped and weird!!!!

Some of my former students were in the meeting (there's 4 undergrads who are trying hard to get some research hours for their transcripts, so we came up with this project...) and they both live in good ol' Ass Hall. They were asking me what floor I lived on, etc.

Sometimes I forget that students see me the same way that I used to see my instructors as a freshman. Honestly, it sometimes freaks me out! I bumped into a former student the other day and we were chatting a bit. (I like her a lot.) She mentioned an off-hand comment that I made about pop-tarts about a year ago. I know that I remember stuff like that but it surprises me when students remember things like that.

Anyhow...I must be extremely hormonal because I'm freaking choking up while grading papers! I had them write about their parenting/future parenting/babysitting style to use while we do this behaviorism unit (that and the newfoundlands that'll be coming to class!) Some of their papers are depressing: My parents used to beat me. I'll probably beat my kids, too. But some are really touching, about how much they felt and feel loved by their parents.

Wow. I'm meeting someone for lunch, then I have a client, class, and another client.

That was a bit depressing, too...I feel like, because they pay me to teach, I should be available to help students. And I usually give this long string of "availability" to meet with students before exams. Today, I basically said: "Okay, well...I'll be in my office until 2pm today, and we could meet after 7pm....or tomorrow after 9pm...or Friday before 8am....and I'll be checking my e-mail."

Rainy dreariness....

I usually just bitch and moan about grad school. It's not ALL bad. Friday afternoon we had a grad student gathering, ate some home-cooked food, drank some wine, and listened to a classmate read a paper. It was pretty enjoyable.

My husband and I went out today on Saturday. This is a Big Deal. Because we don't get paid over the summer, we ate out once. On our wedding anniversary. With a gift certificate. So going out for dinner was really nice.

In general, though, by the weekend I just want to hang out with my husband and wear pyjamas. I was thinking about that...I HATE dressing up. I like fun skirts and that sort of thing, but dressing up to go to work...ick! So when I get home after my 14 hour day or whatever, I immediately put on pyjamas or sweats. And I often don't feel like going OUT with my husband...During the week we see eachother so goddamn little (like tonight, I'll be coming home around 8, I'll be up for a few hours during which we'll both be doing work, then we leave the apartment at 7:15 tomorrow morning and I'll be home around 8pm again tomorrow...) that by the weekend, I really just want to curl up in sweatpants and cuddle. Grad school will do that, I guess....

We went to a Philosophy picnic on Sunday which was alright. I've been around that department for 4 years now (well, 6 if you include when I was a phil major but not around the grad students) and it has really changed a lot. We haven't been around the department the last few years nearly as much.

I helped my sweetie grade exams last night (watched the Simpsons and ran through the multiple choice questions like mad.) CRAP did the students do terribly! They talk all through class, etc, and in a way, it's probably good that they bombed the exam. Maybe they'll start taking him a bit more seriously. I'm giving an exam on Friday, and I hope that they do well...

Thank God for the cat...he came in at 7am yowling loudly and demanding that I pet him. That was great, because I had set the alarm for 6:30am but hadn't turned it on. I had to rush around like mad, but I was able to get out the door and to the unit before supervision.

I had supervision at 8:30 this morning, then I went to the partial hospital program at my practicum today and missed a really explosive group. I hate missing my group (the group I work in when they don't randomly schedule something else for me) because I'm trying to really become part of the fabric of the group...yeah...

I'm a mixture of mopiness and pleasantness today, although I doubt that makes sense to anyone but me. I have tons of paperwork for the afternoon (I did manage to get out early, though) then I have a meeting until tonight....*yawn*

This was a fairly dull post...

Sinister Psychiatry

There are these "lunch and learn" things once a week where I'm doing my practicum. They're usually on a day when I'm not there, but they had one yesterday. The woman I'm working with asked me if I'd like free lunch and told me to show up at her office at noon.

Normally, it's sinister enough: pharmaceutical companies peddling their latest concoction, trying to convince you to pressure your clients into taking whatever they've cooked up now.

But this was worse.

I followed a cattle line of therapists into the training room and signed in, deciding that my title is "Student Intern." (No-one has actually said that, but I have to sign everything with "M.A., Student Intern," so I figured it was a safe bet.) I loaded up a plate of MSG-laden Chinese food and began the usual "Excuse me, does the eggroll have chicken in it?" line of questioning. An overly friendly man scuttled about. He spoke too loud and pretended to know all of us, patting us on the backs and asking "HOW'S IT GOING?!?" He, of course, was the representative there to woo us.

I sat down and started to eat, expecting to encounter the typical "SSRI this, MAOI that." No. The man begins by pulling out a little plastic thing the size and shape of a cookie. He explains that we are going to be learning about "a new and wonderful piece of technology." (I'd give the name, but I don't know if I'm allowed...) Anyhow, this is a thing that they implant in your chest. A wire runs up to your brain and "gently innervates" your limbic system. It's "kind of like electroconvulsive therapy" but it's better because "it doesn't wear off!" It's wonderful for those "chronic, hopeless, depressives!"

Basically, you go to a neurosurgeon and he implants these electrodes in your brain and attaches them to the cookie-like control center which he implants in your chest. Then, your psychiatrist can program it to zap you according to his specifications. Apparently, this is one of the main attractions: "No more worrying about non-compliant patients! Just program them from your office, and they're set to go!" In other words, if you try to bail out of treatment, they'll just keep right on zapping you. How wonderful.

There are very few "troublesome" side effects. The most frequent is sounding like Darth Vader. I'm serious. There is a current of electricity running up your neck and into your brain. When it's stimulating you (and the standard is 30 seconds on, 5 minutes off) you sound as though you're speaking through a fan. He then put his hand over his mouth and mumbled something that sounded like "parasthenia."

I was curious as to how my trainers would feel about this magnificent new technology. At one point, the presenter was rattling on about how it doesn't matter if patients are compliant because the psychiatrist controls the machine. The man next to me leaned over and whispered: "But who controls the psychiatrist?"

I had class again last night which went well...I finished up teaching sensation and perception this morning and moved on to behaviorism. We are now firmly into the part of the course where I have tricks up my sleeve. My favorite behaviorism trick is bringing in my friend's 120 lb dog and having my students teach her a trick while explaining the principles of behaviorism that they're using. (yes, I've pre-screened for doggie phobias and allergies.)

This afternoon I'm teaching an upper-level course...covering Descartes and Galton and blah blah...It'll go alright, I think...and then I have a meeting for my independent study and then a client and then a meeting and AHHH!!!

Must go conserve energy....

The Interpersonal Dynamics of Graduate Faculty pt. 2

So, the saga continues....we had class today, which began with "What happened last week?" We replied with "Well, we looked at 3 research proposals, and..." He suggested that we had "demanded" that he "do something" about the double booking. He said that we had told him that we had been "forced" to stay at the meeting. He told us that because of us, he is barely on speaking terms with the faculty. He asked us why we didn't stop him from writing his tirade to the other faculty members...

Well, he's supposedly so sensitive to power dynamics....how about the fact that he is a faculty member who made an entire class of graduate students cry last year...how he's been so mean that he's no longer teaching required calsses? how about how we need to pass his course? How he was furious and seemed irrational?

But anyhow...he passive-aggressively cancelled class and told us to go to the department social. So, I had a few hours free and got some free food, talked to some faculty, and held some babies. Yup. I learned long ago that when someone passive-aggressively tells you: "Don't worry about me, I'll *sniff* be okay...go enjoy yourself....really, I'll be fine..." you go ahead and have yourself a damn good, GUILT FREE time!

I'm back already because most of us had scheduled clients having not anticipated freedom.

Anyhow...

I've been grading papers this afternoon....and sometimes they're DAMN hard to comment on. They self-disclose a lot in their papers, and I'm glad that they feel safe enough to do that. Some of them come out in their papers, things like that. But when I get papers about being molested and alcoholic parents and all sorts of things, it's hard to know how to comment...I mean, it feels odd to write an evaluative comment at the end of something like that. So, I usually thank them for their openness, and try to respond empathically to what they've told me...and then I put the Clinic's number down for if they want to talk to someone about it at length. (This is why I am known as a "referral machine" as I usually end up with half of my class in therapy...I SWEAR I'm not traumatizing them!) Sometimes it's really hard to balance the roles of teacher and therapist...especially because they know I'm both...and I DO want to listen to them and talk to them, but I don't want to take on the role of therapist to them.

Anyhow...I have a client in 10 minutes....yup....

5 Minutes before teaching

I have to run and teach a sensation and perception lecture in a second...I can't WAIT to be done with the units that require an act of God to be interesting...

I talked to one of my faculty members about the "professional consequences" should I be arrested at a protest I might be going to in D.C....Not very helpful. I explained that I've checked into things, the group is non-violent and has pre-protest trainings, etc. I explained that I would work very hard at NOT getting arrested. But I also explained that one never knows exactly what will happen at a protest. She agreed, but told me to "go, but not get arrested."

Sigh.

I have my little thermos of coffee out and I'm looking at this week, daring it to kick my ass. In addition to the normal stuff, tomorrow night I have a meeting for a research project that the drug and alcohol program is running and I'm teaching an Intro to EP class on Friday...I'm hoping that neither one ends up intruding upon my sleep ALL that much....

Okay, time to scamper over to where I teach...

The Interpersonal Dynamics of Graduate Faculty

As a graduate student, a large portion of my time is spent dealing with Other People's Shit. I'll use this week as an example:

We have meetings on Wednesdays, sometimes faculty meetings, sometimes clinical meetings, sometimes grad student meetings. Usually, we're let out at a quarter to the hour so that we can make our appointments, etc. This week we had, in addition to our usual meetings, our annual meeting on policies. The meeting ran right up until the hour, and we ran out to class at the end. Yes, we could have run out early, but one of our classmates was speaking, and we were only going to be 5 mintues late for class. We hadn't anticipated this being a huge problem (we didn't identify it as a problem ahead of time b/c we usually are let out early.)

Well, the prof whose class we were 5 minutes late for experienced this as a Big Deal. He does not get along with the other faculty in general. He wrote an e-mail to the prof who held the meeting, calling her unprofessional and saying that we told him that she would not let us leave the meeting. She wrote back to him calling us unprofessional for "lying" about what happened. He forwarded the e-mail to all of us asking for comments.

This is likely to continue for the rest of the semester...

Also, at my practicum, things were just WEIRD yesterday. The unit director was supposed to show me how to use my e-mail. He started to boot up the computer and told me to wait there while he e-mailed me a training booklet. I waited 1o minutes...20 minutes...30 minutes...and then I went out to fill up my water bottle. I ran into him, and he just looked through me. I went back to the office and started doing homework! 40 minutes...50 minutes...an hour....an hour and a half!!!! Finally, my shift was over and I had to leave to catch a meeting at 4:15. I went back into his office with the list of passwords he had left out on the desk. He said "Oh, are you the new student?" and introduced himself....

In other news, a student from New Orleans joined my class today...

The associate dean stood outside my classroom for about 15 minutes today, just watching. It kind of freaked me out, but one of my classmates has suggested that perhaps he was intrigued by the "joyous sounds" coming from the room. We were being a tad rambunctious...it was Brain Part Jeopardy day, and they were cheering their teammates...but everyone was paying attention, in their seats, all that good stuff. So hopefully it's a good thing?

Class was fun last night, as always. I really enjoy his class. It's a great class for late night manic states as well...we catch each other's slips and by 9pm on Thursday it's craziness. (The professor describes this class as "Putting the cum in practicum.") "God, Thursdays are so long and hard!" "Long and hard?"

Well, I think I hear a baby in the next room...must go usurp child!

Burnt out as hell!

Wow, it begins...

Today, I've eaten a bagel in the car, a cookie and some sticks of celery in a meeting, and a cookie in class...I've also had tons of coffee and an Emergen-C drink. My body is angry with me.

I had an awesome time at my practicum yesterday...even got to distribute condoms! (The Catholic University student in me rejoices in any celebration of safe sex..) I met with my supervisor, who is this completely disheveled and wonderful woman who drew me a picture of the psyche river with the ego boat. I tried to go into my assigned office for Tuesdays, and I surprised the actual resident of the office. They're "working on it." Until then, I guess I'll see clients in a closet? After clients, I got in around 7pm...

Returned to this hellhole at 7 and am taking my first break of the day (hence the unhealthy food gulped in various locations) before my client arrives at 6:30. (Client, class, supervision, client, colloquium, clinic meeting, class...)

This journal is degenerating as exhaustion sets in. I feel like a prisoner...a perverted prisoner. I could escape at any time but I STAY ANYHOW.

Tomorrow's another 8am-9pm...blech!

I'm beginning to become fluent in the Notes in Community Mental Health. There is SO much paperwork to do...one of my functions as The Student is to do a lot of it...I think it's fair, because everyone else put there time in as well. But GOD is there a lot!

Sick Weekend

I slept most of this weekend....I'm up and about (although unshowered and wearing nasty sweatshirt and jeans...) only so that we can go to Best Buy and take advantage of the thumb drive sale...

God, I have so many political rants right now, but I just don't have the energy. This week has overwhelmed me...politically (Katrina), personally, academically....I'm taking a break.

I have, however, concluded that my trips to the Sunoco have officially become An Issue. Yesterday, lying on the couch coughing but still craving coffee, I added a refill on my thermos ($.63 a refill, baby!) to my list of "please pick up for your pathetic, coughing wife!" When I went in this morning, the cashier said "Saw you sent your honey for coffee yesterday! Nothing wrong with that!"

Okay, off to Best Buy and back to my couch before I have to rejoin the world tomorrow...

Stats class

We had a lengthy discussion about Katrina and peak fuel consumption...we're going to have to make some decisions soon, both individually and as a country. For us, it comes down to whether or not my husband should quit his 2-hour-commute job. We're coming out in the hole, and wasting gas. But if he quits, he'll basically be blacklisted from universities around...or so we think...

We were (and are) all depressed (and should be!). But, Paul taught class as usual, and we did that "manic defense" thing where we were energetic and punchy to fend off the despair. Here are the results...a combination of the qualitative emphasis of my program, the required 1 credit stats class, and the despair:

Paul: "Absolute value isn't absolute. And it has to do with sexism. There's nothing neutral! It's discriminating! You men can wear suits and be CEO's and talk a certain way. But you women, we just change you to a plus sign and tell you to shut up and not be so emotional." (He was serious.)

Paul (explaining standard deviation): "It's like numerology. It's what you can depend on. There's no change, no anxiety..."
Student: "Like the army?"
Paul: I guess....
Student 2: "Didn't we have anxious corn?"
Paul: Yeah, but only because the corn didn't know statistics.

Student: "I feel like in the beginning, it was the Garden of Eden and everything was whole. Then the numbers went and started squaring themselves and it was all over. It's like they lost their virginity or something..."

Student: Is the mew sign an M or a u with a tail?
Paul: It's a u with a little tail.
Student: Your mew looks like an M. Its legs are open. It's a slutty mew.

Paul: I like messing with numbers. It makes me feel powerful.
Student: It makes me feel icky.
Paul: Well, that's why we're all a big happy family.

Paul: If someone is 2 standard deviations away, you know that they're way, way far from the norm. And then we usually decide to exterminate her.

Student: (theorizing as to why we do N-1 as opposed to N-any other number): "Well, 1 wasn't very cooperative when we squared everything, so maybe we're punishing it, and taking it out?"

Student: After the mean, everyone's an asshole.
Paul: No! Standard deviation is miraculous! It does wonders! It allows us to show how white Europeans are better than black Africans. It erases difference." (Yes, he was sarcastic!)
Student: *scratching intensely* It makes me itchy.

Well, home again home again....time to meet up with my hubby!

Blah...

I'm freaking tired.

Yesterday my classmates offered to take notes for me due to general chaos and distress on my part. I decided to stick around because I felt like I needed to just be a student for a little while. Plus, the prof was my supervisor last year, and he's a good guy. I feel safe in his class.

The first hour and a half we debated Freud's Lectures on Technique. (In particular, the surgeon metaphor, and the widespread classism and misogyny. In other words: what the hell is left when you take all that crap out?) We then did "slips of the week" and told eachother stories while listening for slips. I enjoy the class.

Went over to my brother's after class for a bit and got home a little before 10...

This morning I had an 8am, then taught at 9am. Some asshole prof took my overhead projector, and there I was trying my best to teach the brain with no visuals. (Well, no visuals other than my own MRI which I passed around...) It sucked.

I did some work up here and ran my VERY FIRST PAYCHECK OF THE SEASON!!!! down to the bank. We're donating to the hurricane relief, but not through campus (because they're only giving money to priests.) So, the paycheck has already been spent, but it's still a relief.

I met with my independent study advisor and discussed the performing experience of performance ethnography and where I want to zone in...it was a brief but useful enough meeting. He's up for tenure this semester so has a lot going on...

I did get an e-mail back from my advanced research prof. I basically asked him if we could meet. "No." he said. Actually, after class I asked him when he has office hours, and he said "it'd be easier to make an appointment, but I don't have my book, so e-mail me." I did. Today he wrote back that he's "all booked up" but that we can talk during class. Thanks.

I hate our administration, but I'll leave that up to a certain Big H's blog. :)

I have a freaking stats class this afternoon...I'm going to need to stop off for more coffee before class if I'm going to manage...

My class is going to dinner tomorrow, which will be wonderful.

It's starting to get ugly...

I think I'm just getting a cold or something, and yesterday was NOT a good day. This entry will be full of bitter whining.

I'm really TIRED already...that sort of physically exhausted tired, but also that emotionally overburdened tired. I'm actually grateful that my supervisor and I haven't met yet because it means I have part of the afternoon off...which is really nice. But, in those few hours, I have to go to an appointment, run up to the Slopes with meds for my brother, review my lecture for tomorrow, and write a treatment plan. Blah. I think it just feels worse because I don't feel well. I have class tonight...

I'm leaving out the upsetting things from yesterday because this is, well, public...

I was embarrassed in class yesterday...we were going around discussing our research proposals. My research happens to relate to some of the stuff that was going on yesterday. So, the prof looks at me, signalling that it's my turn. And I burst into tears. His response?

"Wow. I usually have to say something first!"

For the record, I quickly pulled myself together and resumed my proposal. I'm really liking that class!

I did group again this morning, which I really enjoyed. It's a neat process. It's hard, though, because the group is LARGE and I'm trying to get a handle on what's going on with everyone!

Let's see...I'll get home around 9:30 tonight, get some work done, and then be here for my 8am tomorrow....teach at 9, see my 10am, get a 2 hour break (score!) and go to stats class. I'm going to try to get a ton of sleep this weekend...I feel pretty awful.

I want to go out and be social, though...some of the second years are having a barbecue on Sunday, and some of my classmates have suggested a dinner this weekend. I want to go and I really like spending time with my class. But right now I'm in that spaced out sick place. Blech.

Enough of the pity party....off to get crap done!