To my student

Hi. We need to talk. Remember how you got in my face after class today? That wasn't okay. It is not appropriate to swear at me. I understand that you were disappointed with your grade. Next time, you should come to class, come to office hours, and TAKE THE EXAM rather than the make up. If you want me to feel sorry for you, you should not switch excuses every five minutes. (For example, it was not to your benefit that you suddenly had a "stomach flu so bad you couldn't stand" so shortly after I had declined your request to postpone your makeup exam due to pledging requirements.) In general, you need to remember that you are the one who is responsible for your grade. It is bad for your academic career to get in instructor's faces and swear at them. Go to therapy!
-Me

Yeah, so I actually had a student get up in my face today. He told me that I fucked him over, because he did poorly on a make up exam that he had to take because he missed the exam because of PLEDGING. He was in my face in front of the rest of my class, and he slamemd out of the classroom. This is after he cycled through nearly a dozen excuses, fought with me about the format of makeup exams (all essay and more difficult, as you'll see on my syllabus, thanks!), and feigned an illness so devastating that he could not walk. I told him that I could not speak with him until he calmed down. I then e-mailed him and cc'ed it to my supervisor, offering to arrange a meeting between the three of us. My supervisor, bless him, was ready to go to bat for me and take it to the Dean. The student wrote me to apologize (and whine!), so I'm not filing a disciplinary complaint. He should, however, consider himself warned.

What's up with these students? Most of them are so sweet, I grant that. But some of them feel so fucking entitled! They want an A because they want it. Just because they're not coming to class and haven't taken any exams is no reason for me to be a bitch and give them a low grade, right? Can you imagine being that ballsy as a freshman? Then again, I broke out of a hospital against medical advice so that I wouldn't miss a final exam...I just don't get it.

To Whom It May Concern

Our program frigging rocks.

We are constantly examining our ethical stance towards are clients, acknowledging that this is so much more than selecting a particular intervention. It is about exploring what it means to be human, what it is like to be this particular client, and how power is enacted both culturally and in this particular therapeutic relationship. We are deeply concerned with the welfare of humanity and, of course, our clients.

We are scholars. We get excited by hanging out together discussing Heidegger...or Derrida... We have our own journal and we create conferences for ourselves.

Our practicum sites adore us. We are well-trained, and we are ethical. And for the record, yes, we have good outcomes.

We do not do cognitive behavioral therapy. We have profound ethical reasons for our stance. To ask us to explain to you how what we do is the same as cognitive behavioral therapy is to misunderstand us. We have deeply held philosophical and ethical reasons for doing what we do.

And we rock.

To my committee

Umm...hi....it's me.

So...I know you guys are really busy....but I was wondering if...umm....you had looked at my comps proposal?

Because, umm....well...the feedback is due by the fifteenth....and...umm....that's today.

And I know that you're stressed out....and the whole tenure thing for some of you...but...umm...I was kind of hoping that we could talk about the proposal...well, really, just if you accepted it or not...so maybe you could look it over sometime?

I mean, I don't want to pressure you or anything....but....well....I was kind of hoping to start reading for it sometime....so....umm....

Well...you have my e-mail address...and you know where my mailboxes are....so....

Hope you had a good break and all.....

-Me

Good Object

I was feeling anxious this morning, a combination of some strange clinical things I had to do and an interview this afternoon.

So, I let myself into the office with the nipple ball, brought it into my class office and started playing.

And I wondered what my client would think if she knew that, minutes before her session, I was behind a closed office door lobbing the nipple ball off of the wall.

Reflections...

On break, I realize how frigging tired I am all of the time. I did very little this break -- I saw my clients, I worked at the hospital, and I read some. I did not write any papers, although I did write an exam for my undergrads. I did sleep a lot. I have not cleaned the apartment, although my husband and I Fully Intend to do that this weekend.

But, hey.

Whenever I go to blog, I realize how much of what's going on I censor from the blog. A lot of my frustration (this morning, anyhow!), anxiety, and even sadness comes from clinical work in some way. And no matter how thoroughly I disguise it, it's just not ethical to blog about it. So then I sit here staring at the keyboard and type something really trite.

I have an interview at the VA this afternoon. I hate interviewing, even though this is fairly low stress. (People aren't all that mean when you're essentially free labor.)

A shout-out to my cousin who is being actively wooed by NU as we speak. My husband and I talked about it wistfully over dinner last night. We're really excited for her, and just a touch irritated with our own programs ;).

I have started to identify with my captors. In the car last week, my husband told me that my program exploits us. And I actually got defensive! He calmly reminded me of the definition of exploitation, and I quickly passed the buck:

"well, yeah, okay, so we do some unpaid work. Well, yeah, okay, a whole lot of unpaid work. Well, and sometimes other people get paid because of the work we do. That's true. But it's because of the system of training, really! It's not their fault!"

In some ways, that's true. It's not my program's fault that my practicum doesn't pay me. And they do give me a stipend. And we do so many clinical hours because we need them to land internships. Our stipends are for teaching, so I can't really call that unpaid labor.

On the other hand, our stipends are low for the field. And our healthcare sucks. (Exhibit A: A doctor I see told me that the insurance company called HER to tell HER that they are raising my copay. She mercifully took "you're a poor student" pity on me and is taking the hit herself. But my point is that the insurance people just randomly change our -- already crappy -- plan.)

Again, though, that's not really the fault of the program itself...

Or I'm identifying with the aggressor. Not sure.

Vanishing act.

I'm halfway through Spring Break, and updating has become pathetically sparse.

I've noticed that I'm becoming increasingly neurotic. Exhibit A:
I gave a presentation in a class on Friday. I thought I did alright...some of my interpretation was off, but it seemed as though that didn't happen to me more than it did to anyone else. The next morning, I received an e-mail from the professor saying "nice job." Now, there are a few ways to take this. 1) He thinks I did a nice job. 2) He probably sends a similar e-mail to everyone after their presentation because he's so supportive.

No, I don't take up either of these interpretations. Instead, I end up thinking:
"Oh no! I must have seemed nervous so he thought that he should console me and tell me that I did alright!" and "I bet he thinks that I'm really insecure!"

Now, I haven't always been this neurotic. I used to study under street lights and things...but I used to be able to take a compliment as a compliment!

Sometimes I think that the faculty itself inspires paranoia -- that they never tell us that they're angry unless there is some cryptic e-mail addressed to the doctoral students at large. (For example, the person who was drinking 3 gallons of water a day was never directly approached, but we all got an e-mail about the level of water consumption in the Clinic.)

So, no matter what faculty response I get, I end up feeling vaguely anxious. (Is that positive review because they think I lack the ego strength to handle criticism?)

Another recent example of my paranoia and neurosis (Exhibit B): I asked my comps director if he had read my proposal. He replied: "Oh. Hasn't (other professor) talked to you?" Well, yeah, the other professor (one of my readers) told me that he approved the proposal. So, again, logically I should take this to mean something along the lines of: "I haven't read it yet, but I will. I do, however, hear that it's not horrendous." Instead, I start panicking and wonder what they said about my proposal behind closed doors.

Again, I wasn't always like this!

Maybe it's just because I'm to a point in the program where I believe I could screw everything up and not graduate. Until now, all I had to do was not completely crash in my coursework, and keep the clinical committee from thinking that I'm incompetent. Not hard.

Now, I have to pass comps and write a passing dissertation proposal and interview for internships, and ACK!!!!!!